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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good call--I love making up crap for stories lol
Thanks for the critique; good advice. I'll try to implement it in my next work...
I didn't really expect this peice to be anything amazing. I was just moody and wanted to write something about shooting and action,so I typed this up in thirty minutes. Yes, had I put more time into it, I would've included a lot more character and storyline development, as you suggested.
That's the beauty of writing in the future
I did not care for this as much as I could have. There was far too much technical stuff, and not enough story/ character. I don't know about the others, but I really didn't care about Charles in the least...He's just Punisher with a helmet.
For a concept that's been made famous by Punisher, you dealt with it well--the equipment was close enough to accurate that a casual reader wouldn't know if any of it was made up or not, so that's always good.
The interaction between Mazer and Charles weas well written, and the dialogue was clever; if you could tighten up some of the description and the actual telling of the story, this would be much better..
--Dono
PS. Just so you know, Smith and Wesson doesn't make a 0.50 Caliber pistol currently. It's your future though.
Wow... you do know your stuff. The language grates on me a bit, but I do appreciate that you had all the proper warnings and whatnots.
I'm not sure why the lines weren't going all the way across the page. That made it a bit harder to read, but I didn't really mind too much. I'm fast becoming skeptical of your age... If you can write this way at fourteen, I think you'll sell your first novel at sixteen, you sick freak you.
(That's my way of saying: You write exceedingly well.)
But if you're into military... write a West Point story! *notsosubtlehint* Very nice overall. Well, not nice, gory, but well-written. Can't tell I need sleep, eh?
hmm. I liked this all right. The beginning had all the action, after that it was just explaining the action which I didn't like as much but it was still okay.
And I AM sixteen so HA!
Look who's talking...you're only 13!
How naughty of you!
Yeah, since both of you demand a sequel, I'll see what I can do...
It could be a while, though.
The guy who got shot in the head was BAD guy anyway. I wannnaknow if he gets caught because the woman saw him.
.
Also your story is 16+ and you are only 14
i mean kick ass rouge type military/cop story and please oh please continue
If you're looking for bombs and guns and tanks, this isn't the story for that.This is more of a cop story... I'm in the process of writing a TRUE "military" story [and it will likely kick even more ass;you'll enjoy it].
So, if you really want me to continue Vigilante 2016... I'll consider it.
dam it, this is the first and best kick ass military stuff i have read, and you go up writ the awsome story and then say well im not gonna finish ...... gaaaaaaaaaaa dotn do that to me..... dam you castinado.....
True, but a man got his brains blown out on you birthday, also.
Sorry to disapoint, Zel.
I am not actually mad, you know.
I feel speacal a girl got saved from rape on MY birthday. I am the BEST!
so are you gona continue it?
If you're speaking of the 'R' content, I tweaked it slightly...hopefully its now up to specs.
I'd up the rating.
What the hell? how much sugar DID you consume today
Yeah, most of what I write/read has to deal with military history or flying. Sure, call me obsessed!
About the birthday thing...crap, sorry about that.
You are a crazy avocado and I know some pretty crazy ones. Do you write all of your stories in that format? If you do... You are obsessed.
This story takes place on my birth day!!!!!!!! How dare you! I only just relized it. You have 365 days to choose from and you choose MINE. I will kill you. 
*skittle biscuit
EDIT:
If you only knew...
Holy moly!
You reallly know your military! God, you must never read anything else. It wuold be nice if you cuold continue but what you wrote pretty much summs it up. It was in the future right? I wuold like to hear more about that.